A lot is on my mind tonight. I know, I know; It's 11pm and I have to wake up at 6am for school tomorrow. Not to mention I'm partaking in a 24 hour play from 7pm tomorrow - 7pm Saturday. No sleep. At My school. Writing, directing, and putting on a play in 24 hours. But what can I say, when the time calls, I must blog.
I hate it when there's something in your life that you want SO BADLY, and no matter what you do, can't have. This makes me sound greedy, but it's not an object that I am speaking of. Just people/ideals/goals. All that jazz. Money can't buy these things. Have you ever experienced when you walk into an environment that you used to be so comfortable in, and then that feeling just vanishes? Yeah, welcome to the past 3 weeks of my life. I try to be the same person, but I think people just see me differently now. Maybe it's a good thing though. Maybe they're just not meant to be as close to me as I thought they were. But it just hurts ya know? Jeez, I don't knowwww.
Have you ever had it when there's something so perfect in your life, something that makes you feel happy and just improves your day by 110%, and then have it wisked away right infront of your face? That's another thing that happens to me. I find comfort in something, and then realize that I'm not really good enough for it. That it's probably only temporary. It honestly is ridiculous. I've been putting up with it lately, and I just can't let myself leave it behind. Something tells me to hold on to it, but I'm scared. Scared to be hurt, abandoned, lonesome. That's one of my biggest fears; being alone. I know, I'll always have my friends, whatever boy desides to show up in my life, and all that, but this is a different type of lonely. A lonliness that can never be fulfilled by any person/thing. When you're just shut off from everything good in the world; or so it seems. Don't get me wrong, I am not in this situation right now, but if I were to be in the future, I would just shut down.
I wish I could shut down sometimes. From stress. It's toppling over right now, and my mind can't handle it. Life is moving too too fast for my likings. Junior year is basically over, minus exams. I have to start looking into colleges. I have no clue about what I even want to wear to school tomorrow, nevertheless what I want to do for the REST OF MY LIFE. I used to be certain that I wanted to study in nursing, but now, I'm not so sure. I love theatre. Wait, scratch that; I ADORE theatre. I've come to the realization that it very well may be a contender for what I want to do with my career. Maybe become a theatre teacher? I don't know though. I love partaking in theatre, but could I really have enough creativity to major in it? I would be responsible for the students' imagination, and if you don't know already, that's a lot of pressure. I want their experiences in the theatre to be just as great as mine are now. If I were to fail them, I don't know what I would do.
I think it'd be amazing to perform in theatre for a living, but then again, what if I'm not good enough? I guess I just have low self-esteem. But I hate saying that because I feel like I'm throwing myself a pity party. So now I will cease with this mushy gushy, "woe is me" crap. Unless of course, I think of something else in the time that I am blogging.
I have had a ton going on lately. Every weekend I am booked. Oh well, I like being busy. It may be stressful at times, but I feel like I'm important when I do things outside of home and stuff. Plus, being home is no walk through the daisies anyway.
This weekend I have the 24 hour play. Next weekend I have my SAT, and Caitlyn's birthday party. The weekend after that I have By Summer's End concert, graduation to see my seniors, and a sleepover with Morgan. Then the two weeks of summer will be spent with Mrs.Kelly, for I am a camp counselor for her Children's Theatre Camp. I'm not that enthused about it, but hey I get to rack up $200 from it. Cha-chinggg.
I cannot believe school is already over. It's so scary that next year I'll be a senior. I'm going to miss high school so much. I can barely think about all my senior friends graduation this year, I'm just going to bawl like a baby at graduation. I love them all so much, and I know that they probably won't stay in my life forever. But at this very moment, I wish they could. Growing up sucks. If I could just stop when I got to like 18, that'd be grand.
Well, it is now 11:40, which is earlier than I expected to get done with blogging. Maybe I'll mess around with my backround or something, it's boring to me now. I know this is a complete turn around blog from last time, but hey, my circumstances and thoughts change daily. Hope you enjoyed and read all of this massive blog!
xoxo,
Kelsey.
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