Monday, May 30, 2011

These Times Are Hard, And They're Making Us Crazy

I've never personally came out and blogged about my breakup, but it's just been too much lately. If it bugs you or you think it's dumb that I'm writing about it, then don't read. Problem solved.

 Does everyone think it's easy breaking up with someone? That it doesn't hurt the one who breaks up with the other person, just as bad or maybe even worse? It shouldn't make me feel this way. I did it for myself. I just felt like I needed to be alone for awhile, that's ALL. But for some reason, people think that there is something behind that story. I cannot stress how much, I JUST WANTED TO BE BY MYSELF. I don't know why it's that hard for people to understand. But because they don't, they've decided to make my life at school as miserable in every way. I just wish things could blow over. We've been broken up for awhile now, and it just shouldn't be like this. Now, it feels like everything is just going wrong. I'm losing the friends who I thought would stay with me through this whole thing. The worst part is, when I talk to my mom or dad about it, they don't even take my side. They blame it on "being tired" or "I told you not to do that 24 hour play, it wore you out" or my personal favorite "if there's nothing to blame you for, then why are you getting so upset?" Yep, love love love the positive energy at the humble abode.

After our 24 hour play project at school, I thought everything was great. Me and Dylan were talking again, just like normal friends. Everything in the air felt right for once in ages. Then I got home. There was a message waiting for me that said "I don't know what your problem is but please refrain from ever talking to me again." Yeah, I was a bit confused. Needless to go into details, things got heated and I've been crying all weekend. Everything is seriously turning against me.

People are just acting so freaking weird lately, and I don't know what to do. I've decided to shut down for the next week or so. No talking to anyone unless necessary, or they're one of the few people I still trust. I wish things didn't have to be this complicated. It's the last full week of my junior year; and for my senior friends, of high school. It should be a happy, joyous time, not a crappy drama filled poopfest. It probably sounds like I'm throwing myself a pity party, but I'm not trying to. I know that I've screwed up in the past week too, trust me. There are things I regret, but when other people go through stuff like this do I give them crap? No. So why should they act so differently with me? People just really confuse me. How can we go from being fine and dandy, to falling apart at the seems?

I just feel like giving up. Throwing in the towel. I know that things will get better, and that at the end of the road everything will make sense. But my God, the journey there SUCKS.

Maybe in due time, summer will come; and wipe away every tear, every hurt, and every screw up. It will come and make everything seem perfect and at peace again. Just a few more days, and I will be there.

I can do this. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this.
I think.


Thursday, May 26, 2011

If It Means A Lot To You

A lot is on my mind tonight. I know, I know; It's 11pm and I have to wake up at 6am for school tomorrow. Not to mention I'm partaking in a 24 hour play from 7pm tomorrow - 7pm Saturday. No sleep. At My school. Writing, directing, and putting on a play in 24 hours. But what can I say, when the time calls, I must blog.
I hate it when there's something in your life that you want SO BADLY, and no matter what you do, can't have. This makes me sound greedy, but it's not an object that I am speaking of. Just people/ideals/goals. All that jazz. Money can't buy these things. Have you ever experienced when you walk into an environment that you used to be so comfortable in, and then that feeling just vanishes? Yeah, welcome to the past 3 weeks of my life. I try to be the same person, but I think people just see me differently now. Maybe it's a good thing though. Maybe they're just not meant to be as close to me as I thought they were. But it just hurts ya know? Jeez, I don't knowwww.
Have you ever had it when there's something so perfect in your life, something that makes you feel happy and just improves your day by 110%, and then have it wisked away right infront of your face? That's another thing that happens to me. I find comfort in something, and then realize that I'm not really good enough for it. That it's probably only temporary. It honestly is ridiculous. I've been putting up with it lately, and I just can't let myself leave it behind. Something tells me to hold on to it, but I'm scared. Scared to be hurt, abandoned, lonesome. That's one of my biggest fears; being alone. I know, I'll always have my friends, whatever boy desides to show up in my life, and all that, but this is a different type of lonely. A lonliness that can never be fulfilled by any person/thing. When you're just shut off from everything good in the world; or so it seems. Don't get me wrong, I am not in this situation right now, but if I were to be in the future, I would just shut down.
I wish I could shut down sometimes. From stress. It's toppling over right now, and my mind can't handle it. Life is moving too too fast for my likings. Junior year is basically over, minus exams. I have to start looking into colleges. I have no clue about what I even want to wear to school tomorrow, nevertheless what I want to do for the REST OF MY LIFE. I used to be certain that I wanted to study in nursing, but now, I'm not so sure. I love theatre. Wait, scratch that; I ADORE theatre. I've come to the realization that it very well may be a contender for what I want to do with my career. Maybe become a theatre teacher? I don't know though. I love partaking in theatre, but could I really have enough creativity to major in it? I would be responsible for the students' imagination, and if you don't know already, that's a lot of pressure. I want their experiences in the theatre to be just as great as mine are now. If I were to fail them, I don't know what I would do.
I think it'd be amazing to perform in theatre for a living, but then again, what if I'm not good enough? I guess I just have low self-esteem. But I hate saying that because I feel like I'm throwing myself a pity party. So now I will cease with this mushy gushy, "woe is me" crap. Unless of course, I think of something else in the time that I am blogging.
I have had a ton going on lately. Every weekend I am booked. Oh well, I like being busy. It may be stressful at times, but I feel like I'm important when I do things outside of home and stuff. Plus, being home is no walk through the daisies anyway.
This weekend I have the 24 hour play. Next weekend I have my SAT, and Caitlyn's birthday party. The weekend after that I have By Summer's End concert, graduation to see my seniors, and a sleepover with Morgan. Then the two weeks of summer will be spent with Mrs.Kelly, for I am a camp counselor for her Children's Theatre Camp. I'm not that enthused about it, but hey I get to rack up $200 from it. Cha-chinggg.
I cannot believe school is already over. It's so scary that next year I'll be a senior. I'm going to miss high school so much. I can barely think about all my senior friends graduation this year, I'm just going to bawl like a baby at graduation. I love them all so much, and I know that they probably won't stay in my life forever. But at this very moment, I wish they could. Growing up sucks. If I could just stop when I got to like 18, that'd be grand.
Well, it is now 11:40, which is earlier than I expected to get done with blogging. Maybe I'll mess around with my backround or something, it's boring to me now. I know this is a complete turn around blog from last time, but hey, my circumstances and thoughts change daily. Hope you enjoyed and read all of this massive blog!

Monday, May 23, 2011

Change Is Hard.

Hi bloggers!
I once again apologize for not blogging in ages. It seems that's how I start every new post nowadays. I need to change that!
Recently I have been thinking about happiness. What it means to be happy and all that jazz. Lately I've been having awful days and usually they get me down. I came upon an epiphany though. You have to look at all the positive things you have in life. I really have been pesimistic lately, and I hate myself for that. But honestly, I have it too good to even begin to complain. So what? People are rude, and they're going to anger you at times, but getting you upset is their goal. If you show them how unaffected by it you are, they'll eventually just stop. "Kill Them With Kindness" is what I always tell myself. I hate that I even want to make people be rude to me, but what can I do about it? It's their own problem and one of these days they will reap what the sew. From now on, I am just going to look at every great thing I have in my life. God, my true friends, my family, my house, my ability to live comfortably, my youth group, not being depressed, not having a broken family, being able to just wake up every morning. These are just a small amount of things that get my by everyday. Even the simple things; summer's air, lounging around the house without a care in the world, piano, music, theatre, laughter, beautiful days, walking in my yard, photography, etc. You see my point here? A hint of advice for those feeling depressed, sad, or lonely. Life. Moves. On. One day, you will look back on your current situation and think "Wow, I survived that" and you'll smile.

Though the sorrow may last for a night, joy come in the morning.

Sunday, May 8, 2011

All Dressed Up & Such

I have been sick since Wednesday. Bleh. Literally, Friday was the first time I had gotten out of bed and that was for one reason..prom. I cannot believe I would get sick the week of prom! Oh wait..yes I can. My luck stinks.
Anyways, I had a great time. When we arrived at the Embassy Suites, where it was being held, we only started to dance when the fire alarm went off and yes, we had to evacuate the building for 15 minutes. It was awful, but the fire was put out and all was well. Shortly after we returned inside, the DJ, formally known as Mrs. Mehl's boyfriend, called out over the congregation "Who all loves Mrs.Meh'l?!" so we all cheer as he says "that's awesome, because I do too.." and got down on one knee! It was so super cute. I have never witnessed a proposal, it was magical. Other than that, nothing really happened. There was a lot of dancing. A LOT of dancing. My legs are still hurting. Luckily my illness went away long enough for me to enjoy prom. But boy, did I sleep well that night. I am still sick and it's Sunday. Darn you virus! Well, this is a short blog, but dad just put up the hammock and a nap is awaiting me.  Until next week bloggers!
oh & p.s: Blogger has refused me the right upload more prom pictures tonight, so you shall see more this week hopefully!

Monday, May 2, 2011

you're stiches are all out, but your scars are healing wrong

There's been a lot on my mind lately. Not necessarily bad things, just stressful things. School is ending in 4 weeks, which means buckling down for exams in a week or so. Prom is FRIDAY. I cannot believe how quickly it has come up. Tomorrow I am finally picking up my dress, then Wednesday I am going to get my nails done, Thursday I am going to get last minute items, and Friday I'm leaving school at 11 to start assembling things. Jeez, goodbye week! I don't even get a break after that because I have to babysit on Saturday, go to church on Sunday, and make posters for colorguard tryouts.
That's a whole 'nother ball park-guard. I was not expecting tryouts to be THIS MONDAY. eek. I haven't picked up a flag or rifle in ages, never the less prepared an audition! I am so super stoked for guard though. Marching Band is my life and seriously cannot wait to get back into it.
Another thing to deal with is your average teenage drama. Like really, I don't understand why, in EVERY circumstance, something has to be wrong or a situation. It just annoys me. Especially when people older than me are starting it. Way to be leaders guys, just way to go.
I cannot wait for summer. Seriously, it will be amazing. The only downfall is all of my senior friends graduating this year. :( I will most likely bawl my eyes out at graduation. 
This is completely random, but I babysat a couple of new kids this weekend and they were SO CUTE. Parker is 4 and Lilian is 10 months. so adorable. I walked into the door of their house, having never met them before, and Parker instantly says "KELSEYYYY!" runs, and gives me a hug. Lilian even reached out for me with a big smile on her face. I felt so loved, and it made me think of how much I can't wait for when I'm married and decide to have kids of my own. I've always wanted a big family. Like 4 or even 5 kids. People look at me crazy when I say that, but I really do. I love it. The chaos, the messes, the looks your children can give you that move mountains, the messy dinners, the changing diapers, the boo-boos, the kisses & hugs, the park trips, the long "are we there yet" car rides, I want it all. Putting Parker and Lily to bed, reading their stories and saying our prayers, kissing them on the forehead right before tucking them in, it was just beautiful and I've honestly fell in love with those kids.
I've been rambling for far too long now, and I still have HOMEWORK. Yucko.
Have an amazing week though, I will most likely be away from the computer all week. Busy, busy, busy.